astrid article

Woman or Wife/Mother

After 34 years of marriage my mother decided to end her marriage. At first it was a shock. I could not understand how someone woke up and decided that they no longer wanted to continue with their relationship. It took me a year of dissecting and analyzing to understand. 

Now please understand that the decision of my mother is her own. I don’t judge her, I am here to support her. But I had to dissect and analyze to make sure I did not follow in the same path. As I have mentioned before, I was married and my husband passed in 2012. When I first got married, like everyone, it was supposed to be forever. Till death due us part means when we are good and old. Never in a million years did I think death would come at age 27 for him. Being a widow at age 25 was a shock. How was I supposed to move forward? Was I even allowed to be happy again? What was next supposed to be? 

While I was alone and trying to figure out what my “new” life was supposed to be I realized that I did not know who Astrid was. I was defined with the titles of wife and mother. I did not know how to just be Astrid without my husband. I didn’t even know what I liked. My home decor was him. My dress code was approved by him. My whole schedule was him. Now I am sure you are wondering why or how but the truth is I only had those examples. To be a “good” wife I had to dress in a way that I would not disrespect my husband. I had to be home to cater to all his needs. I was a wife and that was it. I lost myself without realizing Astrid was gone.

So I sat down and prayed. I asked God to show me what the next chapter of my life is going to be. When the weight of sadness was lifted I was able to realize that Astrid was importante and a priority. I understood that in order to give my son a healthy life I had to take care of myself. I started with new clothes. I was able to wear what made me comfortable. I changed all my furniture to my style. I decided I hated my job so I didn’t go back. I found myself and made a promise to myself never to lose Me again. 

Then it hit me. My Mom lost herself 34 years ago when she chose to start a family. She became a wife and a mother. Culture, society, personal choice all these things stopped her from ever being a woman. She made the decision to end her marriage to allow herself to grow as a woman because that opportunity was not given to her any other way. By that time her children were grown and even though she will always be a mother she did not have that day to day responsibility. At age 52 my mother decided to start her career. Focus on her and unfortunately my father was not open minded enough to give that to her. She chose to end her marriage for her. After a year I realized she was going through the same face I went through in 2013. As much as it hurt to see my parents separated I could only feel admiration toward my mother. She made the bravest decision ever and put herself first. 

There is a line between being a woman and wife/mother but as a society we need to stop putting shame on women for choosing to be a woman while being a wife/mother. We can be both. We can be our true authentic selves and still be a “Good” wife/mother. We are allowed to have friends and we are allowed to spend time with them. We are also allowed to be alone. To pamper ourselves. To make ourselves look and feel good. It does not make us “bad” for choosing us.

A message to the men your wife is not your mother! It takes two to make a relationship work. Both parties should know how to run the household and take care of kids. It should not all fall on one person. The Hispanic Culture had set standards for a woman that no longer fit and we as the next generation need to start changing it so future generations of women can have the opportunity to blossom.

My parents still have a beautiful relationship, they get along and take care of each other. My Father was and still is a great father, my mother was and is a great mother. Sorry mom it took me so long to understand but I want you to know that I have chosen me too! 

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